making things interesting

Well, the home stretch is here. Which is good, because I think my stomach is running out of room, and my clothes are running out of room for my stomach. I was at church last week, and during the singing, a small child tried to peek under my shirt, which of course was dangling about 2 feet in front of my body.

At the 30 weeks' ultrasound last Wednesday, the babies weighed almost 3 and 1/2 pounds each. This is a reasonable explanation for my massive belly, although it isn't really comforting to think of how much bigger they will get before they are done... It also means that I need to find a way to exchange the preemie-size clothes I've been given, since they only fit babies up to five pounds.

They are also both in the breech position right now, meaning that their little feeties are standing on my bladder and their heads are shoved under my ribs. (This may help explain why the top of my abdomen has been numb for weeks.) For the uninitiated, breech is NOT a good way to be born, especially not for twins. Ideally, they would both be head-down, or baby A would be head-down and baby B would be sideways-but-leaning-sort-of-head-down. They still have time to move, but that time is running out. I have one more ultrasound on May 6 to check their growth--if they are still breech then, it's a c-section for me for sure!

And that brings me to the next topic: baby eviction. Apparently twins at 37 weeks are considered about as mature as singletons at 40 weeks (full term). In other words, there's not really much benefit in their staying in longer than that--in fact, chances start to go up from there for other complications. So I won't be allowed to go past 38ish weeks. Either I will have a scheduled c-section if the babies don't flip, or they will induce labor if they do flip.

...Which brings me to my next idea. Anybody want to guess when the babies will get here? For reference, it will probably be between May 22 (37 weeks) and June 5 (39 weeks). Of course, there is still the chance we won't even make it that far. And just to be fun, we can guess how big they will be too. So post your guesses in the comments section, and the winner will get... well, the satisfaction of being right, I guess. And some leftover Easter candy if I don't eat it all. :)

on changing perspectives

It's amazing how, in a handful of months, your perspective can utterly change. I was thinking today about "where" I was a year ago. At this point last year, Scott had just been able to move up from Madisonville. I was working feverishly on collecting data for my dissertation, and utterly terrified that I would never get done. A few short months after that, I conquered the thing, and five years of stressful anticipation and anxiety somehow disappeared without fanfare.

And then came the dangerous idea to think about having kids.

And then came the positive pregnancy test.

And then came the fateful day with two weird blobs on the ultrasound screen. Two weird blobs with strong heartbeats and the capacity to knock all the wind out of me.

Everything changed SO fast. And everything has changed so much SINCE then. I could count out weeks and months a dozen different ways to show it, but it would probably get pretty tiresome to everybody but myself. All I know is, I am having twins in a very short time, and it doesn't sound strange at all.

(Now, don't get confused and take that to mean I feel prepared for this. I absolutely don't. Just... not surprised anymore.)

Another weird thing that has changed is my opinion of my own body, right down to my "gorgeous" cervix. I guess I've always had fairly normal levels of self-unsatisfied-ness. Too tall. Too big-boned. Too "fluffy". But it's been amazing how that perspective has changed too. I can watch numbers on the scale go up and feel nothing more than a detached, scientific interest in how appropriate they are. My ankles are quickly disappearing as they mesh with my swollen feet, but as long as I can wear comfortable shoes, I find the phenomenon little more than curious. But the weirdest thing is a sense of pride for this bigger-than-average body that I've always been a little uncomfortable in. No doubt if I had been some skinny waiflike little thing, a twin pregnancy would be a lot harder to deal with right now. But even at this point my body treats two extra people as a minor inconvenience. I'm not hugely uncomfortable, hungry, nauseous, faint, or anything else. My blood sugar and iron are consistently good. And apparently my larger frame is better for hiding babies, because I don't appear to be looking uncomfortably huge yet--unlike some pictures of other twin mamas I've seen.

Anyway, speaking of the body and the belly, here are a couple more pictures for you non-facebookers...

28 weeks:

30 weeks (today):

belly update

I have been posting belly pictures periodically on Facebook for the world's viewing... pleasure? (For my part, I will enjoy looking at these pictures a few months after giving birth, when my tummy is still icky and I need reminding of the fact that I was once even fatter.) But by request of my beloved sister, who has given up Facebook for Lent and also has a fascination with bulbous bellies, I decided to re-post a sampling here as well. So here goes...

5 weeks:

16 weeks:

22 weeks:

25 weeks (last Friday):

on hitting a milestone

I don't think I've gone into detail about it here, but lately I've been having appointments with a specialist every 2 weeks for the past 6 weeks. He told me that, since the biggest danger with multiple pregnancies is preterm labor, he would be doing a cervical check every 2 weeks until I hit 24 weeks, and also doing a swab for some sort of labor-related protein at 24 weeks. (Sorry if this is a little TMI, but such is the business of pregnancy and babies.) If my cervix stayed longer than 1 inch AND there was no sign of that protein, I would have about a 2-3% chance of going into labor before 32 weeks (2 months early). If things got too short down there and the protein WAS present, I would have a 50-60% chance of going into labor before 32 weeks.

So anyway, this past Thursday was the long-awaited 24 weeks appointment. My cervix had been eliciting compliments from the specialist such as "beautiful!" and "gorgeous!" (which is weird to hear, but reassuring), and this week was no exception--it is still plenty long. And I got a call yesterday that the test for that protein was also negative. So... no bed rest for me, at least not yet! And no cerclage, thank heavens. That's where they actually sew the cervix shut to prevent premature labor. ICK!! I had never heard of such a procedure, and I'm glad I won't have to experience it.

On top of that, hitting 24 weeks is something of a milestone in itself, because about half the babies born at this point will survive. (It's somwhere around half, anyway, depending on which study comes up in my searches.) And the rates go up dramatically from this point, until about 90% survive at 29 weeks. So not only am I very unlikely to pop these kiddos out super early, at this point they should make it even if I do go into labor.

And let's just take a moment to pause and consider how strange is the fact that I could produce actual live, viable babies right at this very moment. I'm not sure I'm ready for that idea yet. Luckily, I should have some more time to adjust!

And without further ado, I will now introduce our entertainment for the evening: Starring as themselves, I give you.... Baby A and Baby B!!! (Otherwise known as Pebbles and Bam-Bam.)

on the weirdness of it all

So the process of making people is a very weird thing. I mean, seriously--all "ooh-ing" and "aah-ing" aside, it's strange! People are forming. In my stomach! It's like something out of the X-Files or that Alien movie. They are forming, and growing, and drinking their own pee.

And they are moving. I don't know if it's stranger to feel them move, or the fact that for several months I didn't feel them move! I mean, there were substantial little creatures in there kicking around all over the place, week after week, and I didn't feel a thing. But now that I do feel them, that's odd too, of course. I don't know about all the people who say it feels like butterflies in your stomach. (These may be the same people who talk about how beautiful their babies are the moment they first see them, and neglect to mention that they are covered in blood, mucus, and poo.) Mine do not feel like butterflies. They feel like salamanders. Squiggling in muck. Now that they are bigger, they feel like... big salamanders. Or maybe medium-sized fish flopping around, I dunno. Not butterflies though. And most of the time when they start moving, the sensation catches me off guard, and my first thought is inevitably that I need to go to the bathroom NOW, because my stomach is churning and something is going to be coming out of one end or the other. It takes me a split second to figure out that it is only my (darling, adorable) children that are masquerading as nausea and/or diarrhea. But it makes the whole babies-moving thing a little less than pleasant at times. Perhaps I am a bad mommy, but there it is.

Oh, and speaking of weird and babies moving, today I SAW my stomach MOVE for the first time. WEEEEEEIIIRD!! It is completely the strangest thing in the world--X-Files and Alien all over again.

And then there is the more profound and existential weirdness, when I consider that these really aren't salamanders or fish, or even aliens. I can almost imagine them as babies now, when I'm feeling particularly enlightened. But to think that someday they will be children. Children who think, who talk...! Who become teenagers! And ADULTS!! It's ridiculous, absolutely surreal, and completely terrifying. No wonder parents always talk about feeling overwhelmed! Who decided it was a good idea to give me this much responsibility?**

Anyway, enough reflecting for now, I suppose. Our nursery is currently taking shape, complete with a (comfy and wonderful) glider, dresser/changing table, and two cribs. It's not as strange as I thought it would be to see the cribs all set up and waiting. I'm not sure why. Perhaps at some level I'm actually adjusting to the idea of parenthood! I have two doctor's appointments this week (!!!), and at the second one they will check my cervical length and some sort of protein, which should tell us my chances of staying pregnant till at least 32 weeks. (That seems to be sort of a magic point, past which the outlook is very good. Twins mature a bit faster than single babies--singletons, they're called--and 37-38 weeks is often the same as 40 weeks for a singleton pregnancy.) They will also do another ultrasound to check the babies' growth, so we should have another video to post soon if Scott is feeling up to some editing! Suggestions on songs for the soundtrack are appreciated!



**By the way, I don't mean to sound overly negative about this whole pregnancy. My sister told me today that I am slowly sucking all the joy out of her expectations for being pregnant, which made me feel kind of bad. I'm just not a gushy sort of person, I guess. But perhaps once the babies are here, I will be telling everyone how beautiful they were the moment I saw them, and forget all about mentioning the blood and poo. Perhaps.

But... blood! ...and poo!!

on growing a belly

Ah, the pregnant belly. I remember long ago when I wasn't really showing, when it seemed to be taking forever for my stomach to look even the smallest bit bigger. Or maybe it was yesterday... It seems like in a matter of hours, I have gone from modestly thick about the middle to very obviously pregnant. I just outgrew my first pair of pants... MATERNITY pants, and I think I have a couple of MATERNITY shirts that are not going to be long behind them.

It's just getting obscene. When I try to sit up out of bed... I can't! I literally have no abdominal strength whatsoever. I like to lie with my legs across Scott's lap on the couch, and the other day I had to heave them up there one at a time, and it was hard! Small children are starting to announce my pregnancy to me. One girl was optimistic that "maybe you'll have ten babies, like that lady on the news!" Thanks, kid. That helps.

I've never once eaten 3,000 daily calories as I've been instructed, but I'm still gaining weight at what seems to me an alarming pace. It shouldn't bother me too much longer though--I figure I've only got another week or two before I can't see the numbers on the scale anyway. And how in the world did I ever reach my feet? I broke down and bought a pair of velcro tennis shoes yesterday... and I'm so excited! Tying laces was getting painful...

And it's only going to get much, much worse, this I know. There are galleries of pregnant twin bellies that scare the bejeebers out of me. Here are a couple of my "favorites":

I'm sure I'll have my own freak-show belly pictures before long. Pregnancy is SO weird.

on waiting

It seems like a greater-than-average proportion of my life is spent waiting lately. The days seemed to last forever back in October and November, when we knew we were pregnant, then knew it was TWINS, and were still waiting to tell people. I checked books and websites religiously to see how much the babies were growing every week--first they were the size of the head of a pin...then a poppy seed...then a sesame seed... It was amazing the week they hit an inch long. I think that was 8 weeks or so.

So there is the waiting to tell people, along with the waiting to be out of the "danger zone" of the first trimester. And the waiting until you finally feel pregnant, and finally LOOK pregnant. The waiting to feel them move. And then the waiting until you can find out what they are. And, different but still substantial, the waiting at doctor's appointments! We spent two and a half hours on Wednesday waiting for a ten-minute appointment--and that has not been the first time, nor will it be the last. As time gets closer and I have more frequent appointments and ultrasounds, I don't even want to think about how much I'll be there. I may take a cue from another patient next time and bring dinner...

But the ultimate paradox is that this process of making human beings goes by ridiculously fast. The pregnancy is halfway over. A very short time ago our lives were very different, and a very short time from now our lives will be indistinguishable from anything we've known before. The babies have gone from poppy seeds to nearly a pound apiece. They have gone from a vague, are-you-kidding idea to a very real, very tiny little boy and girl. And my stomach... well, let's not even go there. It's only going to get worse. Fast!

For now, more waiting. I am glad for it though. Good things take time.